I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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