I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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