you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize