tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
