He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
