I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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