Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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