yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
