The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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