Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
