you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
