I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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