How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
