My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Mom said you looked used
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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