We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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