I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
