Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
