in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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