are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
