Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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