I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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