dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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