So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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