Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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