ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I faked an abortion last night.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
