I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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