respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
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I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
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I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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