I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Randomize
