I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
