She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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