Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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