Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
