hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
