Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
