Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
