Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
50% drunk capacity currently
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
