Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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