a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
