I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
