I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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