Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
