Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
