I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
