remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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