just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
pop tarts are not kleenex
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
