I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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