I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
