had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
