You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
