i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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