A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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