It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
