i think my tv is drunk
the condom got lost in my hair
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
sarcasm needs its own font
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I need water and some morals
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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