You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
