I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
