So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
